


Inside out

by k_e_n



Category: Lucifer (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-01
Updated: 2020-04-01
Packaged: 2021-03-01 04:49:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,468
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23429512
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/k_e_n/pseuds/k_e_n
Summary: There had been a time when he knew himself to be walking heroine. Nowadays he would call himself more of an addict. An addict to her for that matter. - Lucifer tries to get to terms with the events leading up to episode 3.21 and comes to a revealing conclusion.
Relationships: Chloe Decker/Lucifer Morningstar
Comments: 3
Kudos: 39





	1. In

**Author's Note:**

> There are references from several episodes of season 3 up to 3.21 (Anything Pierce can do, I can do better). I wrote this as a fix version of mine for that episode before watching 3.22.
> 
> I am not a native English speaker, so I'm sorry if there are still a lot of mistakes.
> 
> I do not own any of the characters. This is fanfiction and not for any profit. It was first published on Fanfiction.net.

It seemed like yesterday when they had been dancing at LUX. She was wearing this stupid and really unstylish pink sweater – definitely not befitting a prom night and, as usual lately, so very… dull. This woman had no sense of fashion anymore, for whatever reason that might be. But still, it had felt so… so perfect. He could not, for the life of him, say what she was doing to him, but whenever he was with her, he did feel something. Even though he couldn't fathom what it was, it seemed… like a tingling feeling, like strange bugs crawling in his guts.

Sometimes, it felt close to torture. Maybe he just was a masochist after all - it felt too sweet to walk out on it. Not that he hadn't tried to walk out on her, several times so far. He even came up with some scheme to put some more distance between them by getting closer to others as well. Hadn't worked all that well now, had it?

Whenever he'd tried to run away, he only ended up running right back.

He couldn't stay away from her, could he now? There had been a time when he knew himself to be walking heroin. Nowadays, he would call himself more of an addict. Addicted to her, for that matter. And as much as he had wanted to get back to his… easygoing nightlife, he couldn't. Something kept pulling him back towards her – without any second thoughts. Which only made matters worse.

Looking at his reflection in the mirror, he snorted at what he saw. This pathetic… shadow staring back at him was nothing at all like who he used to be. He'd once thought that he managed to survive the biggest fall of them all. But looking at his reflection right now, he wasn't so sure anymore if he hadn't just managed to open up the floor below himself - and stumble down another floor.

Walking away from the pull he felt towards her hadn't worked. And bloody hell, had he tried to get away from that pull!

Just remembering this terrible Axara case… He couldn't stop trying to shake the memory off. Another memory he didn't want to think about ever again. Shots being fired and Chloe throwing herself at the young singer instead of taking cover herself. Stupid, mindless… selfless woman!

Always thinking of others first, his dear detective. The thought made him smile but it faded as quickly as it had appeared.

The Axara case had showed him much too clearly what he hadn't wanted to admit. He couldn't stay away from her – not for good, anyway. Well, how could anyone, for that matter? Dan was still around as well, wasn't he? Her ex could have walked out on her after all this time. At least when he got demoted, he could very well have switched departments. Getting a clean slate, once again on the go. But he didn't. Probably couldn't. Just like Lucifer couldn't.

Axara's deranged friend had just showed him how much he actually needed to be there. To protect her. Even if he knew he also had to let go of her, in a way.

At some point – not much later - something had changed and Lucifer couldn't quite grasp yet when it had actually happened. Sometimes, he wasn't sure if maybe it had indeed already started when he woke up in the desert with his bloody wings back on. Or was it when he finally understood that Pierce had been getting much closer to his detective than he would have wanted to admit? Pierce had played a game he himself had willingly gone along with until Lucifer had finally realized where this would lead to.

It had been hard enough to watch them getting closer, even if he kept telling himself that it was only to make dear old dad go crazy over it. Her seemingly coming out of that hole, which he now suspected she had put herself in just to make sure that… well, that she wasn't getting any closer to anybody anymore. It had gotten harder and harder to play a part in this.

In the end, it didn't really matter, did it now? It was over. When he'd thought it couldn't get any worse, everything went south… again.

His memory of when he stood in that damn interrogation room a few weeks later and tried to explain to her how he was going crazy over lack of sleep was somehow fuzzy. He knew where to get the good stuff. Or, better put, the good stuff knew where to find him. So, any other day this might have led him into saying something he wouldn't want to say. Only this time, he actually had wanted to blurt it all out. To finally put it all out for her to see - the truth about… just everything. Finally telling her that bloody, lying Pierce not only was the biblical version of mankind's first murderer, but also the bloody biggest liar out there as well! He was the man behind the Sinnerman, after all.

Only, she wouldn't listen! She never listened to him!

She just walked out on him when he needed her; when his sleep deprived, drug hazed mind was driving him crazy. Not to mention the bugs crawling inside his gut that seemingly wanted to eat him up from the inside out – probably a remnant of his, in retrospect, rather… foolish drug abuse. And there it was again… this emptiness that he'd felt all his life. Only, before he had met her, he never knew about it being there. He'd just lived with it and never felt bad about it.

Not until he'd realized that there was something missing in his life.

And it took him even longer to realize what it had been. Even though he now suspected that it was something Linda had tried to tell him all along. At least… well, at least for some time now. But that wasn't the point!

The point was that bloody Cain had gotten the better of him! Made a fool out of him and his plan to finally defy his father. Or…

His breath hitched, still staring at his rumbled reflection.

He just hadn't wanted to accept it, had he? Always trying to figure out what his father had in mind. Not thinking once that maybe, just maybe, dear old dad hadn't done anything. Well, it was hard to imagine that none of this had been good old dad's doing. This whole mudball and every living fiber on it had never been anything more than daddy's favorite playground anyway. How could anybody believe this wasn't some part of his plan?

And on top of it all, Lucifer's most loyal soldier, his very own first demon… she had betrayed him. Had had some plans of her own, that little…!

His hands clutched at the basin, and for a second he wanted to crush it with his bare hands. He wanted to tear this whole penthouse apart. What use was it anyway?! There was nobody left standing by his side now… It was over! Even Maze had betrayed him! And didn't that just make everything even worse. She had exploited what she knew was his biggest weakness. Had used Chloe against him, driving him crazy - to the brink of insanity.

How much of this had really been his dad's plan? Any of it at all? Or had it all been Mazekeen? Cain? Had there ever been something like God's Plan in all of it? Had it simply gotten out of hand or had it been supposed to play out like this? To hurt him like this?

Had breaking Chloe's heart been part of it? And why hadn't he, Lucifer, snapped Cain's neck just then and there when the bastard had quit on her like this? He should have done it! It would have spared him so much trouble, so many nightmares.

So much… pain.

So what if he had been immortal? Lucifer could have broken him again and again and again… and maybe this would have been enough to someday make it better. Maybe this… crawling feeling in his gut would have gone away.

But something had stopped him, and again, the question was… what made him stop?

Oh, he knew quite well what had made him stop. Dad's bloody rules, of course! Now that the curse was lifted, Cain was a mortal, a human. He wasn't allowed to kill the bastard. Not even for what he had done to Chloe.

And how ironic was that?!

The bastard's plan played out, the plan where he used his dear detective to overcome the old man's curse, hurting her on an unspeakable level… and his bloody father decided that it would be best to finally turn him mortal – just so that Lucifer wouldn't be able to tear the bastard apart for what he had done.

Bloody hell!

But it didn't end there, though, did it now? No, how could it have ended there? It would be too easy to just call it an end there, dad. Right?!

His hands were already clawing at the basin and his eyes darkened when he remembered the last couple of days. With clenched teeth, he played through it like re-watching a DVD, only to see himself make the same mistakes over and over again.

He'd thought it would all go back to status quo when Cain became mortal. But the bastard didn't jump off the next cliff or shoot himself or… well whatever he'd had in mind when he decided to die in the first place. No, bloody Cain stayed and even tried to make good on his dear detective.

And she fell for it, she didn't even realize how hard he himself had tried to pull her from Cain. Only to ultimately fail. Why hadn't she seen what he had tried to tell her all along? They used to understand each other so well, didn't they? They'd had… moments there. Didn't they? So why had she been… offended by everything he'd tried to do to win her back, to get her back on his side?

He was trembling now, not able to look at this sad excuse of an angel that was staring back at him from the mirror. Well, he hadn't been an angel for quite a while now, had he? Fallen from the grace of his father and now fallen from the grace of her as well…

Snorting, he shook his head. Yeah, that was it, alright!

Seemed as if there was never an end to his father's antics. No, he had to put insult to injury, digging the proverbial finger into an already bleeding wound. He just had to make Cain propose to her!

No, that wasn't it. That wasn't what had driven him over the brink of sanity. For once, he had to be honest to himself. It hadn't been anything about the smug, lying, bloody bastard kneeling down in front of her. Cain could have done this a thousand times and Lucifer couldn't have cared less because before this evening he would have been sure that she would've slapped him across the face for this insult.

Only, she didn't. And that was the moment Lucifer had felt the knife slowing being pushed inside his gut. Twisted around for some good measure – just to make sure it really hurt.

She stood there and nodded. She bloody nodded! Accepting this farce, this lying bullshit!

That was when he slipped over the brink, when whatever had been left of his sanity after two bloody weeks without any sleep and another one trying everything to make her look at him as she used to… it all finally got the better of him. Seeing her, falling for all those lies Cain had fed her, for all these… pathetic mind games of his. The bastard actually dared to call this love when all he did was grab the first available woman when he finally became mortal. The one he had played with, betrayed, hurt. And Chloe believed all this, all those lies.

While she hadn't believed him one bit when he, Lucifer, had told her the real truth.

But she had never believed him. She had always assumed he was telling some stupid metaphor, some depraved mind game he played to impersonate something that was actually engraved into his very being. While he had never been the one to play mind games on her. Never her! Not that it would have worked on her anyway.

How often had he told her he was the devil? How often had he told her about his father? But she never believed him. So why had he expected her to believe him when he told her about Cain? Had he really expected her to finally understand what he had always been telling her?!

He did not lie! Ever! Period!

She didn't get it though, did she? No, she had to run to bloody Cain instead.

Falling right into his crooked arms, when everything she should have done is shoot the guy! At least… do some serious harm, somehow. But she sure as hell wasn't supposed to forgive him for what he had done. What was wrong with her?!

Scratch that… what was wrong with himself?!

Getting angry, he turned around in his bathroom, grabbed the first item he could find and threw it against the wall. He didn't feel better now, but at least some of this built up tension was let out. Maybe he should tear this all apart. Maybe then, he would feel "normal" again. Well, as normal as one could feel being the devil.

Or even better, maybe then he would stop feeling again – return to the place where he wouldn't care anymore.

Because that was the problem, wasn't it? He still cared. After everything she had done to him,or didn't do, for that matter. After she had left him without even thinking about it… He still couldn't get her off his mind - couldn't stop thinking about how he could finally make her see what Cain was up to. What he had really done, and why. It wasn't supposed to be like this! He wasn't supposed to… to feel like this.

A sob escaped his throat before he could stop himself.

It hurt. It damn well hurt! Worse than this bloody bullet she had put into his leg all that time ago. More than the flames he had carried her through. More than the knife he took to the chest for her. All those… had just been pain. What he was now feeling was much closer to agony.

Turning around, he faced himself once again in the bathroom mirror of his penthouse.

He looked like hell. And oh, what an irony this was, once again. The devil, bare his actual devil face, instead sporting re-growing wings he couldn't get rid of… What a pathetic sight! The fallen angel that wasn't all that fallen anymore, but still not an angel. Neither devil or angel. This wasn't him anymore! Nothing of this sad sight was like him!

And she had done this to him.

No! No, she hadn't, he reminded himself. This was his father's doing, not her's. If not, Cain's, who initiated this charade – as well as Maze who had been an all too willing accomplice. Chloe had just been another pawn. One he, himself, had willingly succumbed to, but… it wasn't her fault. Everyone's but her's.

Maybe it was even his own fault as well.

He tried to push this thought away, but like quicksand, it started to pull him in again and again. It had been his own decision to stay in LA, and to stay with the detective as well. He could have ran away when he found out that she made him vulnerable. But he didn't. He stayed and stayed and stayed… And not just out of curiosity.

Even when he first found out that his father had put her in his path long before he had even thought about taking a longer vacation on Earth. Hell, he had been to Earth long before she had been born and the humans' lifespan was all too short. So, his father must have had a pretty tight schedule there.

It had needed nothing more than for him to turn his back on her two years ago, maybe sooner and nothing of this would have happened.

Cain probably wouldn't even be here if it hadn't been for him. Hadn't he come to LA because he had heard about her track record gone high after she started working with "the devil"? So, if he hadn't been here, Cain wouldn't have shown up as well. Chloe and Dan might be divorced by now but she would never have fallen for that bloody bastard Cain.

There was a sound of something breaking and suddenly, there was a crack in the mirror in front of him. Frowning, he stared at his reflection, now split in half. What was this? What was going on here?

His mind started to blank out, and for a second, he wasn't sure if he was merely running out of anger or if this was an aftermath of those drugs he had put into himself to deprive himself of sleep. Most unlikely, though since that had been more than a week ago now.

This emptiness was also different from what he had felt just a few minutes ago. Still, it somehow felt familiar. Strangely so. But he couldn't quite put his finger on it. Something was off. Was this still his father's doing? The final straw to break him? Was this what his father had ultimately planned for him? To turn his little… insurgence of staying on Earth into just another hell for him?

Because this was surely starting to feel like his very own personal hell…

Another splitting sound and a second crack broke his reflection once again.

He raised himself up to his full height and stared at himself in the broken mirror. Broken just as he felt. There hadn't been an earthquake, so how… ?

"This is my very own personal hell…" he whispered, just to see the mirror crack even more, until his face was barely recognizable anymore. Every other part split in a way where it would distort the image just a tiny little bit. But all together, they formed a totally different picture altogether.

Fear grasping at his heart, he turned around and stormed out of the room. But there was nothing else to be seen – well, nothing other than his penthouse. The same way as it had always been since he had moved in here. Something had to be different, though… There was always something! He had always put in something that didn't fit in.

Quickly, he stormed back into the living area and checked it out at well. But everything was how it was supposed to be. Was he finally going insane over this? Had he fallen this low? Lost every sense of reality?

"Lucifer?"

Surprised, he turned around once more, only to see his "little doctor", as Maze used to call her, again. Hadn't she left after he took off to Chloe's?

"What are you doing here?"

She hesitated for a moment and his somewhat hazy mind told him that she had been sizing him up before she finally answered, "I could ask you the same question."

What?

"What did you think would happen, running off to your dear detective?"

He frowned and he could actually feel his heart beating vigorously against his ribcage. What the hell was she talking about? Hadn't she been the one to send him to Chloe? To finally tell her the truth he hadn't been able to admit before this evening?

"Well, even if Pierce hadn't been there, she still wouldn't believe you now. Would she?"

This couldn't be true!

"She never believes you."

The smile on his "friend's" face transformed into something more like a grimace. Even "smirk" would have been the wrong word for it. As if somebody tried to smirk but didn't know how to move the muscles all together. This was wrong!

"Oh my poor, poor Lucifer…"

"You're not Linda…"

"Finally!" The figure impersonating his doctor shot out, hand flailing when it got closer.

Fear started to grip even harder at his heart when finally the realization fully got to him. This wasn't his penthouse – not really. This wasn't LA. And he was very, oh so very, very sure that this wasn't even on Earth anymore.

"How can this be?"

The Not-Linda stepped closer, this time the smile back in place, but there was nothing fond in it anymore. It was more of a leer now, making Lucifer sick to the stomach when he thought about how he had trusted this… creature for the last couple of months. Years?

"Since… since when?" he stammered but he didn't get an answer because the figure in front of him just smiled without giving another answer.

When he got shot and died? The time when he had thought his dad had sent him back to catch his mother? Had he ever returned from that? Or… even sooner and the whole LA experience had been part of it? But hell loops weren't usually this long. This couldn't have been an imagination all this time. Right?!

"Answer me!" he howled at Not-Linda, stepping firmly into her personal space. But the smile didn't falter as if she was sure he wouldn't do her any harm.

Unfortunately Not-Linda was very, very wrong about that because now that he finally had an idea of what was going on here, he was pissed. Royally pissed!

So, his hand shot out and he grabbed her by the neck. Next thing he knew he was holding her upright against the wall, her feet dangling somewhere around his midside. A croaking sound was all he got as an answer but at least this bloody smile was gone now.

"Stop. Impersonating. Her." he hissed between clenched teeth.


	2. Side

There was a fleeting moment of hesitation before Lucifer finally saw the smile falter. He was deadly serious now and he knew it must have shown in his face – in his very being. So, with a small flitter of air his vision shifted and Linda's face vanished only to show another one he didn't quite recognize.

A demon, that much he could tell – wasn't all that hard with half a face missing and all that. But he didn't know a name. Well, he didn't care for one either, so he guessed it wouldn't make any difference.

"Since… when?!"

The demon smirked but immediately stopped when Lucifer's grip on him tightened.

"Wha'di madda?" the demon croaked, slowly feeling his throat getting crushed by the man who was supposed to be his master.

But the still evasive answer only made Lucifer even more furious. How much of what he had lived through had been nothing but torturous imagination of his very own cell in his bloody hell? Had he actually met Chloe for real?!

He must have met her, didn't he? How could his hell have conjured her up from nothing? Hell was all about guilt and regret. It wouldn't show him anything totally out of the blue. And not for such a long period of time as well. So something must have been real!

His mind was racing, trying to connect the dots now that he knew what was wrong about this place.

"How do I end this?" he hissed between clenched teeth – all the while trying not to crush this… meaningless piece of meat in his hand. "Tell me!" he howled when he still didn't get an answer.

But the demon only croaked, starting to look a bit pale, even for his kind. So, Lucifer loosened his grip just a tad bit. Merely enough for the creature to speak again.

"Speak!" he demanded, feeling something familiar filling his veins again.

Smiling, Lucifer leaned in and he could feel how his eyes started to burn red, his skin peeling away. This felt so much better. He'd missed this feeling as well as the power that had always come with it. He grinned, suddenly feeling terrific, now that he was himself again.

That was also when he had an idea...

The desert. Him waking up in the desert. That must have been the start of his hell loop. Had it even been a loop yet? How often had he been here? Was this the first loop or had he gone through this for an eternity?

"How many times…" His voice was a mere hiss, daring the demon to refrain from answering once again.

But this time, it was different. There was an understanding in the creature's eyes now that it was not facing some human but his very own lord instead. Lucifer could feel him trembling below his hand.

"First… first… time," he finally managed to croak out.

Stumbling backwards, Lucifer finally let go of his minion. So there was still a chance… How long had he been here? How long since the desert? Time was flowing differently down here, so if he had been here for a few months, it could only been days up… up there.

"Do you actually think you can get out of here?"

"I am the bloody lord of hell!" he growled, eyes flashing once more. Although, he suspected his human face was back in its place already – at least it felt as if it was.

"And still, you're here…"

That was unfortunately very true, but he couldn't for the hell of him fathom what was holding him here. It wasn't Uriel because… well, he wasn't here, now was he? So what else… ?

Deep down inside him, he could feel the answer. Swimming on top of a whole lot of bile that was threatening to get out. Because the squirming minion was right in one regard… nobody had gotten out of one of these cells so far. Nobody could get over the regret and guilt they had built up for a lifetime and finally get to be free.

Look at Abel who had been here for an eternity, feeling guilty for driving his brother to fratricide. One would think that getting killed by your own brother would bring you to acceptance one day, the acceptance that maybe they had both been at fault there. And with this acceptance, he would have been free of his guilt. Free pass to heaven. Goodbye and don't forget the T-Shirt.

So far, Lucifer himself had probably been the only one to ever escape a loop, but then he'd had the help of his mother and he'd had something to finish. A purpose. Yes, he'd had a purpose then. To return to Earth and to get this formula to Ella so they could cook up the antidote for Chloe.

Chloe, who had said yes to bloody lying Cain.

Had she? Had any of this actually happened? Because if it did, then this couldn't have started in the desert. He must have been killed later on to end him here and play through this once again.

"How did I end up here?" he asked his minion who was now squirming under his gaze. Seemingly not very happy about his assignment getting turned around.

The demon's answer was all but a mumbling sound, though. "Dunno."

"Speak!"

"I don't know!" the creature answered, finally standing up an once again facing his master with determination. "I'm just doing my job, as you very well know."

"Having fun torturing the boss, hadn't you, now?" No answer to that one, just a raised eyebrow. "Well, this ends right now!"

"Got that already."

That was when Lucifer had to smile. He somehow liked the guts the lad was showing, considering where they were and who they were.

"You remind me of Maze, somehow," he blurted fondly, before he could stop himself. "Well, obviously before she turned on me. Did she actually turn on me?"

One could see that Lucifer's minion was somewhat pleased about the compliment and maybe that was all it had needed to relax and bring them both on the same page. Because instead of being evasive anymore, he shrugged and shook his head.

"I don't really know. I was just here to keep your head focused on the human. How should I know what happens outside of here?"

And he was right about that, Lucifer admitted. The lad was a demon, he couldn't travel to Earth on his own, so he didn't know what had happened up there. He didn't know if Lucifer had really woken up in that desert, sprouting wings again. Didn't know if Cain came to LA, hurt Chloe, proposed to her.

Bloody hell!

He had to find a way out of this! He had to check on her, see if she was alright or if bloody Cain had already broken her. Or worse… had actually married her. Oh no, so not going there!

Revealing his wings, he swung them with a bit of hesitancy. If they were real, he could just fly out of this and everything would be over. So he flapped them one more time and took a deep breath. Time to say goodbye. He jumped up and…

… landed right there again.

"They're not real, are they?" he asked his minion in a flat tone that belied the desperation that was slowly crawling up his spine.

"How should I know?!"

"Right…"

"I'm just here to keep you focused."

What? What did he just say?

"Focused?"

"Yeah, keeping you focused on that gal, right? That's what this is about, isn't it?"

And wasn't he right about this… That had been all he had wanted, right? For her to look at him again, to see him again. So that he mattered to her. Because… because he had hurt her. He had hurt her when he went to Vegas. He had hurt her when he came back with Candy being his wife. He… he hurt her again when he went to Vegas a second time to help Candy out – on Chloe's birthday to top it off.

But he'd thought that she'd forgiven him of all that when he came back and… Hadn't she understood what he had wanted to tell her by that necklace?

Only, if the loop started when he awoke in the desert… had this ever happened? It must have. Some of it must have happened. What did he regret so much that it could build the foundation of this hell loop for him?

"Isn't it quite obvious?"

It was Linda's voice that interrupted his thoughts and when Lucifer turned around he could see that his minion had once again taken her form. Since he knew it was all a scheme, it only aggravated him even more.

"I told you to stop impersonating her!"

But while Lucifer could see her – him – trembling under his masters glare, he didn't change his form back to what he really looked like.

"You told me your desire…"

Lucifer huffed. "I am desire, I…" but he stopped himself before he could add that he didn't have any because it would have been a lie.

And he didn't lie.

It was true, wasn't it. He had told the little demon his desire.

I want her to choose me.

Not for his ego, albeit for a selfish reason nevertheless. He wanted her to choose him, so he wouldn't lose her. Because he didn't want to lose her. He needed her in a way he had never needed anything or anyone before. She was the one that made the bugs crawl inside his gut and he hated that feeling, albeit loving it just the same. And she was the one that'd made him realize there had been a void inside him – only to fill it up with herself.

When at first he'd only wanted to figure out the mystery that was Chloe Decker, by now, he just wanted her to… be there. With him. For him. Seeing him. Seeing him as he really was. Well, not the devil face, maybe, considering what it had done with dear Linda. But still!

He just wanted…

… another chance to put things right.

Suddenly, a stabbing pain shot through his chest and he gasped at it when his gaze fell back to his minion. The creature was still impersonating Linda and for a second it was all too easy to imagine her looking at him fondly, smiling even with those sad eyes of her's when she asked him what he truly desires.

"What do you truly regret?" Not-Linda asked him and again he could feel the searing pain, only this time it seemed to engulf his whole body.

He broke down, keeling over, clutching with his hand at his chest. What was going on? Was this going to be the next start of his loop? Was this what all this was about? Him waking up in the desert, return to Chloe, only for her to get snatched away from him and him waking up in hell?

"This is part of it…" he gasped as realization hit him. "Me… me realizing where I am…" So much pain in his chest. "I'm still stuck in the loop."

Not-Linda walked over to him, finally kneeling over him. Her face was close enough to touch but Lucifer was in way too much pain to even lift a finger.

"What. Do. You… truly... regret?"

He shivered, trembled… Shaking from emotions as well as this overly searing pain that took his breath away. His lungs collapsed, heat suddenly burning his body when his vision shifted again and the penthouse flickered away, slowly, ever so slowly fading into the image of the desert where he had woken up.

Again he looked at Not-Linda who was still staring at him intensely. The penthouse was almost transparent now, the desert looming over him, promising him a fate he didn't want to face. To live through this again and again. To see her getting hurt, leaving him, betraying him, not believing him…

"Tell me!" Not-Linda screamed at him. "What is it?!"

But he couldn't breathe anymore. His lungs were lacking the oxygen they needed for him to form the words. His body was in way too much pain anyway. He broke down completely. Panting, lying on his back staring at the ceiling that was still shifting into an all too brightly blue sky. And, as if again, somebody had to add some insult to the injury, he now felt something pressing hard on his chest. Suffocating and probably soon getting smashed at the same time. What a bummer…

"Say it!" Not-Linda demanded once again, her voice almost sounding desperate.

He could not form the words, though. It was too late. This loop would start again… and again… and again…

I regret that I didn't tell her the full truth on her birthday. And that I couldn't spare her the pain.

Well, maybe he could tell her this time.


	3. Out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided to switch tenses for this one to make a more visible cut from the first two chapters. Therefore I hope that I haven't put in any additional mistakes by doing so.

A sudden searing pain races through his chest, igniting all his nerves at once, and with a heaving sound, he tries to suck in a deep breath - only to fail in doing so. Lucifer's body jerks upwards before he gives in to the hands that seem to insist on holding him and falls back down again. His chest hurts as he still struggles to suck in another breath without success.

When he finally feels air rushing into his lungs, he's not sure if he's responsible for that or something else - someone else. So he tries one more time to breathe - still failing. This time, panic grabs at his heart. There are hands all over him and voices in the back but he cannot, for the life of him, say who it is or what they are saying. They do sound kind of panicky themselves, though.

For the life of him… he tries to giggle at that one but trying to make any sound only makes the pain worse. What a life… stuck in a hell loop for all eternity – to live through Chloe getting hurt over and over and over again, while he himself can't even manage to breathe properly. Pathetic! How is he supposed to end his misery like this?

"Lucifer?!"

Ah, of course, she is here as well…

"Lucifer!"

He finally manages to push his feelings down a bit and opens his eyes, albeit only halfway. There's too much pain in his chest, his body, just everywhere.

"Is he alright?" he hears her asking somebody he can't see right now, because all that he can see is her, kneeling beside him.

And he frowns. It's still almost impossible to breathe, although he hasn't blacked out yet due to a lack of oxygen. So somehow, his body is still holding up and somehow, he can still feel air rushing into his lungs, although he is quite sure he isn't responsible for it... He feels hot, but this isn't the desert he woke up in last time, is it? There's no sand below him and he cannot feel the sun burning his flesh. And… well, she hadn't been there, had she now? Why is he even remembering being in the loop for that matter? That isn't how it's supposed to be. He's not supposed to know about it before Cain and Chloe…

Panic spreads through his whole body once again when he tries to get up but just like before, he fails - and he still fails at breathing normally as well. But when he tries to scramble up, her tender hands keep him down. Her eyes are pleading with him to stay calm while his panic slowly ebbs down to an almost bearable level.

"Gotcha," she whispers at him, her hands caressing his cheek.

He still can't breathe properly and now he can finally make out that there's something stuck inside his throat. Once more the terror is threatening to overcome him. So he tries to pull it out, and orders are voiced loudly by somebody nearby. Only, he cannot recognize the words because he's too focused on looking at her, pleading with her to help him.

His shaking hands finally come up, clawing at his throat, his mouth. There's something stuck in there and he has to get it out. He can't speak like this, breathe like this. He's still suffocating. Why is she just watching? Do something, please Chloe, do something! His eyes are screaming loudly now that his voice can't and finally, it seemed as if somebody gave in to his plea when he hears an urgent order to pull "it" out.

And when he feels something being ripped from his throat, after some serious coughing, he can finally suck in a real breath – or two or three.

"Wha…?" he croaks but his voice is not just there – probably being ripped from him by whatever they had shoved down his throat.

"You are one lucky guy, Mr. Morningstar," a paramedic tells him while trying to unfurl the cables that are attached to his bare chest as he only now realizes.

There's a lot of equipment scattered around as well. Equipment that looks awfully a lot like a defibrillator, breathing tube, mask, the whole nine yards. So this was what had been down his throat…

Lucifer shivers, imagining what must have happened, the searing pain that still has his nerves on edge. So he died and went to hell? How ironic was that? The devil finally dying for real only to go to his very own private hell loop.

He looks at Chloe. Tears are in her eyes and she's fighting to hold them back. She doesn't want to show any weakness - she never does. That's when he understands. She had been there, when they found him, when they reanimated him. She must have been here for him to actually die in the first place. Right? Judging from the tears and the way she was biting her lip, she can barely hold it all back - probably hadn't been a very pleasant experience for her either.

But somehow she isholding up, as is he. So he gladly gives in to her hands, when she pushes him down once again, so that the paramedic can continue the check up.

Looking around further, he tries to take in where he is. It looks like a container or something. That is when his gaze falls on the TV screen close to the other side of the container. The Sinnerman's trap. The one he got caught in when he tried to find the bloody bastard to get his devil face back.

"What happened?" he finally manages to croak out and pulls the cables from his chest.

"I have no idea," Chloe answers, her grip on him tightening for just a second. But she knew him too well and didn't really try to hold him back anymore. "When we arrived, we couldn't open the doors and when we finally did, you weren't breathing anymore."

Her voice falters and she can't speak anymore. When he turns to look at her, he can still see tears in her eyes but she's fighting to keep them at bay. Ever the strong detective… ever his caring detective.

He didn't understand, though. This wasn't how everything had happened last time. Right?

Again, he can feel the fear crawling up his insides. Is he still inside the loop? Is this just another variation? Is knowing the loop now part of it? Or had the Sinnerman planned to kill him here, so he would be out of the picture, so that Cain can play his devious game with the detective without any other interference?

But he only found out about Cain after the Sinnerman got shot. And how would the Sinnermann know that he's mortal when Chloe is around? The Sinnermann dying, Cain revealed - nothing of that has happened yet. So… is there even a Cain? Or…

"Lucifer?"

She sounds worried again and he doesn't need to look to know that she is glancing at the paramedic. Silently asking if everything was alright. If he was alright.

No, it is not alright - nothing of it.Heis not alright. But she wouldn't believe him anyway. Because she never believes him. Does she, now…

"Lucifer!" Once more he is pulled out of his reverie. "I think we should take you to the hospital."

"I am fine, thank you... Detective," he finally manages to answer, throwing one of his fake smiles at her.

Only, this time he can see that it isn't working. She doesn't call him out on it though, merely nods, her hands finally letting go of him, since he obviously doesn't need her support anymore.

But that is where she is wrong. He does need her, needs her support more than ever, her… being there and her… not… leaving. Only, he still can't say it, at least not here. Not with this many people around - and definitely not without a drink to loosen his tongue. So maybe… Change of location?

"I would like to get home, if you don't mind," he murmurs and ever so slowly gets up.

He's still kind of unstable though, and falters, nearly keeling over if it hadn't been for her steadying arms. Closing his eyes, he revels in the feeling of her hands all over him, her breath tickling on his still bare chest. It feels so freaking good to have her by his side.

"You sure?"

"I have to advise you to come with us to the hospital, Mr. Morningstar," the paramedic agrees.

No. He shakes his head but doesn't let go of her. His whole body is still in pain and he knows that the reasonable thing would be to take the paramedic up on it. To get as far away from her as possible because this way, he would heal a lot faster. But he cannot let go of her right now. Not now that he has her back - and maybe has another chance to...

That's when he sees the Lieutenant walk by outside the door of the container and he can't stop the shivering. Cain… is it Cain, anyway? Or was this all just a mind game of his hell loop? If so, he has to give the little minion down there credit for this one. Nicely played. Somebody is in for a promotion.

"I really want to go home," he finally whispers, albeit knowing he isn't talking about his "home" but this place here on Earth. He had grown so attached to his club, his penthouse, his retreat. His gaze is still firmly stuck on the Lieutenant's back, as if to make sure he stays outside.

And just like that, only half an hour later, he finds himself in the elevator to his penthouse. Her hand is still steadying his shaky form, but he is feeling better already. Whatever the Sinnermann had done to him, it's wearing off, even with the Detective this close by.

Chloe's phone rings just as they leave the elevator. Well, she's leaving, he's all but stumbling. Although he isn't all that willing to leave her side, he keeps on going towards the counter to pour himself a drink while the Detective stays back and gets her phone out.

He can hear her talking to somebody but he doesn't care. He needs a drink because he has something to do and he's not sure he can do this if he's sober. Okay, so he would usually need a lot of drinking to get far away from sober but it was worth a try – with her being this close, maybe it won't be that much of an effort anyway. If he's vulnerable to knives, maybe he's also vulnerable to alcohol when she is around.

"This was Ella," Chloe suddenly states when she walks over, glaring at him when he downs a full tumbler of whiskey in one go. "Seems as if the container was rigged with some kind of gas tank."

So that was how he'd been pulled from his earthly existence.

"She doesn't know yet what had been inside but she suspects some poisonous, maybe even hallucinogenic gas, according to the chemical containers she found close to the scene."

That would be fitting now, wouldn't it. Him having hallucinations about being in Hell. The devil hallucinating over Hell… But he only snorts and pours himself another glass. It had felt too real.

"You probably shouldn't be drinking right now…"

"But I do very much need to be drinking right now, Detective," he murmurs, once more avoiding calling her by name. And he downs the next glass. Almost there…

She sighs and shakes her head. When he glances at her while filling the tumbler once again, he can see that she's not happy about this. Well, neither is he but he still doesn't know how to tell her, so maybe he just needs a bit more to finally loosen his tongue?

"Lucifer…"

Again, his voice is barely a whisper. "I can't do this anymore…"

From the corner of his eye he sees her head snap up, and he just knows it's what she had wanted to say as well. But those had been his words, and he meant them. He can't go on like this. It's getting too hard. The bugs inside his gut are getting pesky.

Maybe he had been in Hell, maybe it had all just been a hallucination, maybe he is still in the loop. He doesn't really care. It doesn't matter. What matters is that he got another chance to set things right. Before Pierce turns out to be Cain, before he can use Chloe, bringing her to the brink of being heartbroken. Well, before he can take her away. And if the Lieutenant isn't Cain… well, sooner or later another bastard might turn up and take her away.

He gulps down yet another tumbler and suddenly sways. Okay, that might have been too much now…

"Easy there", he hears Chloe's voice and when his head turns again, she is right there beside him.

Carefully, she guides him over to his bedroom, and he's glad to finally let go of, so he doesn't fight her. He all but breaks down then and there, and if it hadn't been for her steady hands pushing him onto the bed, he would have crashed down right in front of it.

His head is suddenly blanking out, but he distinctly remembers that there's something he had wanted to tell her. Damn, that last one was definitely one too many. What had it been? Something about Hell, wasn't it? That he's been to Hell and back for her? No, that had been such a long time ago and he'd do it anytime for her – wouldn't he?

There was something else… lurking in the back of his mind. But still he lacks the courage to say the words.

Her hushing voice is already lulling him in and he wants to go to sleep really badly. What had he wanted to say, though? That her hand feels so good when she's smothering out his probably rather less than presentable hairstyle?

No, that wasn't it…

That it was full bliss when he all but feels her lips on his forehead because he had already given up on keeping his eyes open?

No, that wasn't it either…

"Don't leave me, Chloe," he whispers and feels her hand on his arm tighten. Had he said that out loud? He isn't sure anymore. Well if he did, it doesn't really matter either. She never believes him...

"It's okay."

Somehow, he manages to open his eyes, albeit barely, and squints at her. She's still there. Is she really here? Is he still here? Or… there? Does it matter? As long as she's with him. He shivers and sees the frown it earns him from her. It does matter. Because he doesn't want her to be… down there. But he can't leave her either because… he needs her way too much. He needs her to fill up the void inside him. So he can't allow himself to ever fall from her grace again.

He's too far gone already to tell her all of it, though, so he only mumbles, "Don't want to fall…"

The mattress dips below him and he can feel his head being pulled against her. Happily, he gives in to the embrace, his arms coming up around her waist. And then he surrenders himself to Morpheus' arms, knowing that he is safe for the time being - safe with herarms around him.

The last thing he recognizes before he blacks out is a hushed whisper and another kiss on top of his head.

"I'll be there to catch you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know the end is kind of OOC, but I just couldn't give them any other ending. I needed some romance for my own soul. And after all the hurt before, Lucifer needed some comfort ;)
> 
> I really don't like writing stories in present tense but I wanted this part to be visibly different from the first two chapters to separate them.
> 
> About the timeline: To have Lucifer come back without the whole Cain fiasco having started and still being the 'new' Lucifer (with wings and without his face and all). I had to find a point in the storyline where he could have died in a way. It needed to be between episode 6 (Cloe's birthday) and 10 (Cain is revealed). So I went for episode 9 with the Sinnerman's trap.
> 
> Thank you very much for reading.


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